Honesty

When I leave here I want a tree with a plaque in memory of me, and a bullet hole placed in the skywalk in my honor. Oh, and please institute 24 hour cereal bar, maybe not my life but my death will accomplish something worthwhile.

I amuse.

But I am depressed. Oh yes, I leave not room for facades. The honest truth is that I am stressed out to the point of loss of appetite, anger, apathy, sickness, headaches, fatigue, wanting to avoid people, guilt, confusion, tears...Of course, I don't want your pitiful comments filled with pity. My life has torn me down spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, and physically. Last night I was so tired and depressed I couldn't cry. Tonight, I cried and poured out this little heart to God. I'm just acting like a kid. He's holding my hand while He gets me through the end of this semester. It's been tough, but I've volitionally forced myself to connect my faith with my feelings. That is, deliberately choose to allow faith and my relationship with Christ to dictate how I feel and what I choose to do. So now I've raised my head.

Okay, honesty moment there.

Last week I went with a group of friends and bought candy and flew a kite at the park. Then we took a walk and bought ice cream like happy little souls. I'm sorry for cutting in line Dwayne. The kite's name was Nemo and he did a fairly good job. I like those Jelly Belly Jelly Beans. They're great. Those wax bottles? They are perhaps the nastiest, most un-candylike candy I have ever had. I spat mine out. Even after learning how to correctly eat them, I still refuse to place wax in my mouth.

Community Clean-Up was on Sat. If Highland looks any better it's because of me and others. I now have a deep hatred for all litterers. Not really. I was heavily disappointed at the lack of finding any needles or weapons. Bottles, wrappers, condoms, and cigarettes however were the nasty norm.

I worked. The hospital. Yea. I do patient transport. Quite amusing. I took a lady from the ER up to her room. Soon as I got to her room in the ER she was all nauseous and signaled for a pan to puke in. After some intravenous nausea meds, I thought, "Great, and I'm rolling her around on a stretcher." Before I go in the room, the nurse comes out again and says, "She's f----- crazy!" I thought, "Ooooooh, great." So here I go in the room, and tell the lady, "Hi. I'm Sam with Transport and I'll be taking you up to your room. She stares me in the eyes and says, "Is that your real voice?" I tell her, "Yes ma'am. It is." She responds, "Nooo. That is someone else's voice." I mean my voice is kind of deep, but I just looked around for this someone else as I placed gloves on my hand. Then she started talking nonsense and I think some of it was inappropriate, then she stares at me and says, "You have a big nose." I thought, "Ooookaaay."So then I proceed to pump up her bed and hook her up to an oxygen tank, even though she was on placebo oxygen, which made me laugh inwardly. As I unplugged the oxygen hose from the wall it makes a Psssss noise. She then freaks out and says, "Agh, the scary noise!" I laughed out loud. "No, ma'am. That's just the oxygen to help you breathe." So we finally get up to her floor and she's muttering something about someone who did her wrong and says, "I'm gonna cook 'em!" Then she lifts her head up from the bed and sees the EKG heart monitor. She looks at it and says, "Am I gonna die?" I said, "Yes ma'am, you are." Then she asks me, "How soon?" I, wanting to play along with her craziness, told her, "Oh, about 5 minutes...Get ready." She replied, "Okay." and laid her head back down on her pillow. It was incredulous. The nurse and I looked at each other and silently laughed. And that's the joy of working.

Thought I'd share.

-Sam