Sunday, January 23, 2011

The Essence of a Easy Essay

I sleep warmly - on my side, with one pillow, one sheet, one blanket, one comforter, and my feet poking out from the bottom of said laundry. Within the last week I've dreamed every time I've slept - some pleasant, and some fearful. I always sleep with a fan or some sort of white noise. It circulates the air and keeps the room cool. In fact, as a warm sleeper, I'd rather have a chill in the building - 0ne that makes the tile in the bathroom feel like walking on ice at 3:18 am, but makes your bed feel oh so warm at 3:24. I've rested on a pillow named Carlisa for 5 or more years. I bought her at a hotel in the Virginia's while on the road for work. Alas, she is growing old and slowly dying. Recently, a clearanced pillow came into my usage which was so oddly named "The Hunk" which conjures up cartoon characters or cheesy macho masculinity. It's a striped case of fluffiness. Frankly, I don't know why 100% polyester microfiber overfill should be thus termed. Also, while I'm in this department, am I the only one who believes that there is no difference between grades of pillows? Superfirm feels the same as every other pillow to me, unless there are duck, duck, geese and gander involved. And it's been entirely too long since I've whammed someone in the midriff with a pillow. I hope Mr. Profitt's proud of me.

Saturday, January 8, 2011


I work as a patient transporter at a hospital. Here's a list of things that I have been asked or things told to me while at my job.

"Do you have a driver's license?" (To which I quickly reply, "Yes, do you want to see it?")
"How long have you worked here?"
"Do you ever get lost?" (No)
"How long did it take to learn the hospital?" (2 weeks)
"Do you ever race in the wheelchairs?" (No.)
"This hallway looks like Holiday Inn."
"You're a good driver." (Thank you)
"Can I just walk from here?"
"Have you ever thought about just letting go of the chair?"
"You have nice shoulders."
"Those people in green shirts are good drivers."
"Do you work here?" (Yes)
"You smell good."
"How old are you?" (No, not 18. I'm a senior in college)
"Are you using that wheelchair?"
"Doctor! Doctor!" (Um, that's not me...)
"Can you tell me where ______ is?"
"What floor are we going to?" (C level)
"We aren't taking any more admissions."
"You can't take that bed!" (Yes, I will)
"No, you're not!" (When told I was going to transport them)
"Something smells good." (Coffee Shop)
"I can't remember where we parked." (I hope you remember soon)
"Which entrance?"
"Where are you taking them?"
"I don't have that room." (Then please connect me to the nurse that does!)
"Did you have to receive training?" (Yes)
"Wow, I would get lost in here."
"Are you a volunteer?" (No, I get paid)
"Which floor? What number?"
"Have you ever gotten stuck in the elevator?" (Sadly, no)
"Oh! You're here already." (Did you want later?)
"You should get paid by the mile!" (I wish)
"You can just let go of the chair now." (While wheeling people down the front ramp)

Thursday, January 6, 2011


As a Christian, I seek to entertain myself with good entertainment. Animated movies just happen to be about the only thing I can watch as far as movies go. And I only mentioned them as part of a finale to my Voicemail post. But you said...

"Animated children's movies are for children? What are you talking about?"

"I will watch animated children's movies as long as there is breath in my body!"

"You may want to print a retraction on the children's could shatter countless lives with such a revelation."

Please forgive me. I recant. I am hereby responding to your flabbergastedness.

Animated movies are NOT for children. I hope that I have not deeply offended the amazing adults who read my blog.

Please do not ever get the idea that Pixar makes movies for children, or produces such films to sell stuffed versions of animated characters. These animated movies are rated G and PG and therefore are only suited for the ears and eyes of adults.

Let's see here...
Toy Story? Not for kids.
Finding Nemo? Not for kids.
Cars? Not for kids.
The Incredibles? Not for kids.
Up? Not for kids.
Monsters Inc? Not for kids.
Ratatouille? Not for kids.
Despicable Me? Not for kids.

You get the idea.

Monday, January 3, 2011


This is a transcript of the opening to a voicemail from a friend of mine sent July 18, 2009: "Sam, I'm so disappointed. What's happened to us all? Our voicemails are so bland and boring. 'Hi, this is Sam. Sorry I missed your call.' What's that about?"

Okay, all you young people, your "Please-enjoy-this-music-while-your-party-is-reached" music may be enjoyable for your friends, but enjoy it while it lasts. As soon as you get a semi-professional job you'll succumb to the professional voicemail syndrome. HR just doesn't want to hire people with sappy country or raunchy rap as their ringback tone.

And to all of you who hate my voicemail and how short and boring it is. Blame my job. Hate it even. And welcome to the real world. The boring adult world where people think animated children's movies are for children!

PS: Hello Dr. Muir