What Happened This Morning As We Stood In Line For Coffee

In light of the recent headline from the Cincinnati Enquirer: "Debate Displays Great Differences," we have hereby postulated this entirely fictitious account of recent comments on the presidential debate.

"Debate Displays Great Similarities Between Candidates." Recent debate reveals candidates are so similar, voters are having trouble distinguishing the difference between them. General public struggles to care. An attitude of apathy and indifference has struck the nation. Many voters are asking, in the great scheme of things does this election really matter? 58% of those polled simply shrugged. They stated that they were leaning towards one particular candidate but didn't really care that much. The remaining percentage of voters said, "Hey look, a squirrel!"

Many Americans today are struggling with realizing the differences between the two candidates. In fact, 39% percent of those polled stated they were very confused by all the little signs in everybody's yards. One man commented that he had placed 75 presidential candidate signs in his front yard simply to aerate the lawn. Hugenmeyer stated, "My lawn has improved greatly since the political party contacted me about advertising their candidate." Other Americans are using the signs for croquet, golf practice, and lawn ornamentation, which happens to look very nice next to the gnomes.

Yes, indeed the election season has brought about much confusion and indifference to many around this nation. As we look forward to the national election we simply are confounded by the astronomical amount of people who are saying, "What the - wait, are we supposed to care?"

-Σμ